Opening a Closed Adoption

In her book, How To Open An Adoption, author,adoptive parent, andtherapist Patricia Martinez Dorner highlights several reasons why open adoption might benefit all parties. These include honesty, open lines of communication to discuss problems or concerns the child may have, and diminishing fear and mistrust between birth and adoptive parents.

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What is open adoption?

Brenda Romanchik of Insight: Open Adoption writes: "[A truly open adoption is one where] the adopted child has the potential of developing a one-on-one relationship with his or her birthfamily." Adoptive parents and counselors Sandra Lennington and Ellen Roseman write, "

It sounds good, but...

It sounds good, it sounds enlightened, and it sounds child-centered, which is what adoption is supposed to be. However, many don’t choose open adoption, and others don’t have that option. Some adoptions are closed by mutual agreement of the birth and adoptive parents; some because birth parents’ rights have been involuntarily terminated by the court and/or they are considered to present some danger to the child; some because emotional or other influences make a closed adoption seem like the best choice; and others because those seeking to adopt, like journalist Danny Glover, perceive open adoption as a mandate, rather than a matter of choice. Glover writes in the account of his own adoption experience: "The idea of having an adoption agency dictate that we allow a birth mother, whether fit or not, to be an active player in our child’s life was enough to make us consider international adoption, despite the higher costs."

By whatever manner families arrived at closed adoptions, many are showing an interest in changing that, and establishing contact among all three parties - birth parent(s), adoptee, and adoptive parent(s).... opening the adoption. Ms. Dorner has been assisting families to do just this for the past seventeen years, and she’s not alone.

A few of the reasons families consider opening a closedadoption are:

Increasing awareness of the benefits as more and more families choose this option and talk about it;
Availability of information from counselors and adoptive parentsdispelling the myths about open adoption;
Study results, such as the Minnesota/Texas Adoption Research Project, which underscore the benefits of openness for all parties to the adoption;
Individual family situations where openness is believed to be in the child’s best interest.

In order to gain a greater understanding of what it means to open an adoption, we invited the birth and adoptive mothers of two boys to come chat. This was a special needs adoption, closed for seven years. Both women spoke openly of the reasons behind the adoption, and their fears as they moved closer to the first meeting.

Chat Transcript

We were honored to have Jody and Donnita as our chat guests. Jody is the adoptive mother of (among others) two of Donnita’s birth sons. These two women have opened the adoption in which they separately and together play such important roles.

Donnita: Back in 1992 I made the hardest decision of my life, to place two of my three children for adoption. Their father was very abusive and (the boys) needed protection and a sense of normalcy.

Jody: And the system did nothing to protect Donnita.

Donnita: True, Jody. In 1994 I received my first letter from Jody, although at the time I didn’t know her name. LOL. And they didn’t hold up their end of the deal, open adoption.

Question: Why didn’t dad want the youngest child?

Donnita: He was conceived after the "break up" and wouldn’t claim him even after a 99.99 paternity index.

Jody: Also, he used the boys to torment Donnita ....

Donnita: True. He would kidnap them and leave me with no idea where or how they were. The police were no help.

Jody: He’s a very abusive man....and he used the boys as pawns to control Donnita.

Donnita: He held me prisoner at one time in my own home.

Jody: Since Donnita has left our area, the bdad has been arrested on occasion for domestic and child abuse.

Donnita: I have also heard of drug charges.

Question: He livesnearby?

Donnita: YES, very close, too close.

Jody: Yes, he lives in my area, which is one of the reasons that I changed the younger boys name....which I hated to do, for fear of hurting Donnita.

Donnita: I have adapted well and love Sam just as much as Davon, lol.

Question: Donnita, how was it that you could place the boys without their father’s consent?

Donnita: I took him to court and after five days of testifying against him and testifying to the abuse, the courts terminated his rights. My first step to independence.

Jody: But they did not terminate Donnita’s rights....and that should be made clear.

Donnita: I relinquished because I knew the boys would NEVER be safe with me because of him. He has tracked me to other states before. He is a frightening man.

Jody: We’re talking stalking beyond severe. I thank God that Donnita didn’t become a statistic.

Donnita: The boys were initially placed in a foster home, not a good one either.

Jody: The boys came to me via a lousy foster home....

Donnita: they were placed prior to the court hearing (for) safety. We knew he would try to get to them, which he did, even threatened the Social Worker.

Question: Was (the adoption) supposed to be open? Closed?

Donnita: Open. I don’t know what they told Jody, but they told me open. Jody wasn’t even told about the abuse the boys had witnessed.

Jody: I wasn’t originally told that it would be open. I wasn’t told much of anything!!

Question: Jody, would you have considered an open special needs adoption before you knew anything about Donnita?

Jody: It depends on the circumstances. If severe abuse-protection issues are not an issue, then absolutely. I am in other open adoptions. But there’s Donnita - my very special love.

Donnita: I received periodic letters from Jody.

Jody: As I did from Donnita, then I asked her if we could bypass DHS.....and then our correspondence practically stopped.

Question: What happened? Did either of you stop writing?

Donnita: I had received a letter asking to open it up and the response was never replied to, that started two years of writing and phone calls, and packages sent with no response... AGENCY ERROR

Question: Error?

Donnita: She never received them. They have no record of them.

Jody: My letter came back....I was given the wrong city....then I didn’t hear from Donnita, so I assumed that she wanted to back off.

Donnita: I didn’t hear anything and assumed she changed her mind.

Jody: It was so odd to me, because she had faithfully sent cards and gifts, then nothing. I thought she needed time.

Donnita: Then in August of 1999, I raised holy H***

Question: How did you reconnect?

Donnita: I got hold of the Social Workers and told them all my frustrations in some not so nice words, LOL.

Jody: Donnita put the fear of hades in our Social Worker.

Donnita: As for the reconnection, I was told by the Social Worker to send a letter and she would see that it was hand delivered to Jody. I did, and on September 8, 1999 I received an email from Jody. LOL. I hooped and hollered all night.

Jody: The moment I received the letter, I immediately emailed Donnita.

Question: Donnita, what was it that made you finally decide enough was enough?

Donnita: Their birthdays had just gone by again with no response.

Question: How old were the boys when they came to you, Jody?

Jody: Very close to 4 and 5.

Donnita: 3 and 2 at relinquishment. Anyway, the funniest part is finding out about Jody and her "family."

Jody: Oh yes, I had been afraid that Donnita would hate me if she knew about my family.

Donnita: I had logged into on the advise of a co-worker. Imagine my surprise when I find Jody under parenting special needs children, LOL.

Question: Jody, why would she hate you? because there were so many other children?

Jody: Yes, I was very worried that she would think that the boys weren’t in a loving home or getting the attention they needed with so many kids.

Donnita: After finding all the info out, I was afraid to let her know that I knew! ROFL. I was afraid she would feel as though I was invading her privacy.

Jody: She wrote me this adorable letter.....saying she knew all about me. I was so relieved.

Donnita: That sounds so bad. LOL. "I know all about you and...."

Jody: ....and you know what I did last summer, right? LOL.

Question: Were either of you afraid about how the boys would react / not react?

Donnita: I was terrified!

Jody: Yes, very much so....because the boys do have some behavioral issues.

Donnita: Irony, the same as Malcolm does. And they have been separated since Malcolm was just months old.

Jody: I have raised my children to be proud of their heritage...and I have always spoken highly about Donnita in my home.

Donnita: I’m sure that the support they received from Jody regarding their bmom helped them.

Question: Did you have any backup system in place in case it didn’t go well?

Jody: I didn’t have a back up plan, because I HAD to make it work.

Donnita: After Jody and I started talking, it had to work. I was being adopted too!

Jody: That goes both ways, Hon....you have been just as supportive. The minute I started talking to Donnita via the phone, I became very selfish about her....I love her very much and wanted her in my life, as much as the boys.

Donnita: LOL. I wanted to get home to see her and the boys, YESTERDAY!

Question: What about you Donnita? Was your fiancé being with you in some way a back up plan for you?
Donnita: I’m not so sure I would say he was a back up plan, but I needed his support.

Jody: I have to add, that I was worried that Donnita would not receive the support that she needed.

Donnita: My family was of little support.

Jody: I was concerned that I couldn’t give Donnita the support that she needs, because no matter what, I am still the adoptive Mom....I don’t want Donnita to view me as that....I want her to know that she’s part of us.

Question: : It’s got to be tough - even under the best circumstances because the time always comes when you have to leave.

Donnita: That was the hardest part, leaving the reunion. If I could have stayed, I would have. I don’t know which felt worse, leaving the first time, or leaving this time, even knowing I was going to see them again.

Jody: There were some tense moments with the 11 y.o. as well.....which was disappointing, but Donnita worked with him through her own pain.

Donnita: It did both of us some good, Jody.

Jody: Yes, it did

Question: Did the boys know why they were relinquished?

Jody: Yes, but at times, they seem to get confused, likely from listening to the other kids’ stories here at home.

Donnita: I assured them they were loved and if I could have done it differently I would have.

Jody: They know that Donnita never abused them, that she was doing all that she could to protect them. I have essentially told them the very same thing for 7 years.

Question: How did your youngest deal with meeting his brothers?

Jody: He is sooooooo cute

Donnita: He has always known about his brothers. I never, never hid it from him. He was so thrilled that five minutes after we got there we had to look for him. He was in the other room playing video games with the kids.

Jody: I would say that he was very well prepared....and we all got to talk to each other several times on the phone.

Donnita: Yes, talking with them had given him the reality. I also had pics all over the house.

Question: Have your boys asked about their father?

Donnita: Not in detail to me. Jody?

Jody: They haven’t asked too many questions, because in the first place, bdads are typically secondary to the moms.

Donnita: I have told my 8 y.o. he was mean to us and we had to leave to be happy.

Jody: Also, I have explained to the boys in the kindest way possible that he is an abusive individual.

Donnita: As much as he did, I don’t feel that it is my place to bash their father, they’ll find out in time.

Question: So even the oldest boy doesn’t remember the abuse?

Donnita: We’re not sure

Jody: Apparently not, but Donnita and I are both questioning that, as he has some behaviors that are suspicious.

Donnita: He was young, 3, there may be behaviors because of the abuse. I did notice that at times, he acts just like his father.

Jody: In case you haven’t noticed, Donnita and I are very much alike. LOL....Mother-daughter...it’s genetic....LOL.

Donnita: LOL, even the boys say we talk alike and say the same things.

Question: What type of behavioral problems do the boys have...and do they go to counseling?

Jody: Yes, they’re in counseling. They are both ADHD, with some other issues, mostly tantrums, inability to accept responsibility for their actions. The oldest has very little respect for females....and can get rather mouthy. We’re watching him for schizophrenia. However, both are wonderful students in school.

Donnita: Malcolm also has ADHD, is bipolar, rage disorder, and learning disabled. Schizophrenia runs in his father’s family... not sure the extent.

Jody: Or a genetic component

Donnita: Possibly, that’s why we are watching the behaviors of all the children.

Jody: For every negative deed the father placed on the boys, Donnita would try to counteract in the most positive way.

Question: Donnita, I understand you got along famously with the entire crew.... and so did your fiancé.

Donnita: LOL. We were kids all weekend long... trampoline, basketball, video games

Jody: The kids absolutely adored Donnita, Malcolm and Carl. We love em....Donnita, have you told the story about Robin?

Donnita: No, not yet, she was extraordinary. She really has touched my heart and I’ve adopted her. LOL. She will probably never have the opportunity for a reunion, so I’m claiming the bmom spot!

Jody: This is literal. Robin does not have the opportunity to know her bMom yet...maybe it will change, but bMom was adamant, no contact, ever. Robin who’s 10 was very curious....so Donnita stepped in.

Question: I don’t want to keep you too long - it’s not like you don’t have any other commitments... so, is there anything each of you wants to say in conclusion?

Jody: Yes.....Having Donnita in our lives is one of the most positive things that could have ever happened.

Donnita: There doesn’t have to be an animosity between bmom and amom. Jody has become like a mom to me as well. I wouldn’t trade the relationship for the world.

Jody: I dearly love her....

Donnita: I love you too.

Question: Any final questions from the peanut gallery?

Donnita: Speak now are forever hold your shells

Question: Jody, do you have any room for me at your house?

Jody: Absolutely......

Donnita: There’s plenty of room for everyone.

Comment: LOL...You BOTH sound like great moms!

Comment: Jody and Donnita: Am so glad you are here so that others can WITNESS the love between a Bmother and Amother... there is no need for war.

Donnita: I agree, I always had that fear, but Jody has removed that. she is wonderful. I now work with the system to help families stay together.

Comment: Oh, Donnita , I see.... Domestic Violence - Breaking the Cycle!!

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